Why I, Barack Obama, Love The Huffington Post And Burger King.

I love a lot of things. I love my hot wife, Michelle, my two daughters Sasha and Malia, my pets Beau and Joe Biden, the Huffington Post and Burger King!

The Huffington Post did an excellent write-up about Regina Benjamin, my new pick for Surgeon General. They spent all sorts of time talking about how Regina won't let anyone fall through the cracks and made her sound like the greatest servant to the people of all time EVER!

That's not why I, Barack Obama, chose her for the position, though. As a matter of fact, without the Huffington Post, I never would've known any of that stuff! Haha! Actually, I got bored reading the article and still don't know what she did, lol! There were too many pictures to look at. Specifically, I couldn't stop looking at the first picture under "Popular Stories on HuffPost" that sent me to this maybe-NSFW post. Hoooooeeeeeeee! Haha! Who did YOU give a 10 to???

I didn't give a 10 to any of those bikini-clad ladies. My wife is hotter than all of them (AND I got Michelle pregnant! LOL!)!

What was I talking about? Oh, right. My new surgeon general, Regina Benjamin. She used to work as a paid adviser for Burger King, which wasn't reported by the Huffington Post. Thank goodness the mainstream media tycoons over at CNN picked up on this and set the record straighter than the laws in MA, IA and some other states I can't remember, haha!


It's Friday. Time to conduct more dino research and try and get some free BK from Regina before I play Rock Band... BYE!!!

Where The Hell Was I Born? Dinosaur Land??? LOLZ!!!

I can be pretty forgetful at times. Often, downright crazy! After all, I am but a man.

Sometimes I even forget where I was born! lol! Like these jackasses that NPR is talking about. Why don't they believe that I was born in Hawaii? Better yet, are these the same people that think I'm a MUSLIM?! LOL!

Maybe they're pissed off that I was born in Hawaii! Maybe - and i mean just MAYBE - they think Hawaii is the land of terrorism! Where Jihad was born!

(Speaking of which - where was Mr. Jihad born anyway? I may never know. Oh well.)

Anyway, I might not know much about Muslims, but I know that I was born in Hawaii. NOT DINOSAUR LAND. Sometimes I wish I was born in Dinosaur Land, so I wouldn't have to potentially ruin people's lives to watch them fight each other, but oh well! lol! If people didn't want dinosaurs roaming the earth, they shouldn't have voted for me.

I'm going to brush my teeth and get ready to be President of the United States of America until 5pm. BYE!!!

Hi, I'm Barack Obama: America's First Racist Black President

Glenn Beck is so funny. I love the guy! He always makes me laugh, haha! So, I was slightly confused when I saw the following:



I don't understand! :( Why would he say those things about me?! He's always so funny on Fox News. All he does is make jokes!

But not today. Today, Glenn Beck called me a racist.

Now, I can hide a lot of things about myself. For example: not many people know that I smoke cigarettes (did I quit yet? I can't remember!) and that I didn't really close Guantanamo Bay. The New York Times said that - I never said that! lol!

And STILL - NO ONE KNOWS that I'm trying to revive dinosaurs to fight each other! And I even write a BLOG about it! Haha! Oh dear. Sometimes I'm so funny that it makes me want to beat up Rahm Emmanuel.

But not today, oh no! Today I have to drink beer with a cop and a black scholar. Actually, maybe that's next week. I have no idea! Haha! Someone else gets paid to worry about that, so I'm just going to go play Rock Band and take a quick nap before I save the world. BYE!!!

Oh, also - I believe what Glenn MEANT to say was that I'm a 'reverse racist.' Maybe that would've actually been funny. Oh well. BYE!!!

Bad Paintings Of Me, Barack Obama: America's First Black President

After waking up next to a puddle of Hillary Clinton's vomit this morning, I decided to go find Beau, the presidential puppy. He ran up to me, licked my hand that was holding a lit cigarette, and burned his tongue on it. I laughed at him and called him an idiot. I shorted my cigarette, petted him for a while, and retreated to the Oval Office to play some Rock Band.

When I got there, I found Sonia Sotomayor face down on the Rock Band drum kit fast asleep. I guess she was up all night trying to beat some Dave Grohl jams on expert! I laughed at her. Then, I grabbed Joe Biden's cage and put him in the garbage because I thought he was looking at me funny. I sure taught him a lesson!

"SQUAAAAAAAAAWK! NUMBER TWO JOE BIDEN! SQUAAAAAAAAAAWK!"

That's what I listened to while I fell asleep at my desk for an early morning nap. Oh, and a snippet of Nirvana's "Breed" from the un-played Rock Band that was never turned off. Occasionally, Sonia shifted in her chair, and eventually fell out of it. I woke up to laugh, yawned, and then I slept for a few more hours. It was awesome!

After wiping the sleep away from my eyes, I decided to find out some things about myself on the Internet. Nothing about dinosaurs... yet! I remembered seeing a horrible painting of me one time when I was running for president, so I decided to Google: Bad Paintings Of Barack Obama. Sure enough, there were lots of really bad paintings of me! Check a few of them out here.

I want to thank Jon Edwards for sending me that link. He's such a silly goose! BYE!!!

Oh wait... I guess that means I didn't Google it. I guess that makes me a liar. Oh well. BYE!!!

I Killed The Shit Outta That Fly!

Did you people see that shit?! I killed the SHIT outta that fly! My friends at YouTube want you to watch it again:



Hahaha!

I don't even remember what we were talking about in that interview (remember? I said "Where were we?" Haha!), but I can guarantee you we were not talking about dinosaurs. If we were talking about dinosaurs, there could be flies flying out of my ears and I wouldn't lose focus - or change my facial expression. I bet my friends at YouTube want that video!

I'd like to take this time to express my sincere gratitude to everyone who helped this YouTube moment become a reality. First and foremost, I must thank my parrot Joe Biden. Because of him, I was able to vent all my frustrations to maintain the concentration of a kung fu master. Secondly, I'd like to thank my Rock Band buddy Sonia Sotomayor for playing so much Rock Band with me. Playing all that plastic guitar made my hands as limber as lettuce! And last, but most certainly not least, I'd like to thank my wife Michelle for being so hot.

Oh, right. Thank you, God, too!

I'd tell you what else I've been up to, but I forgot already. Bye!!!

Burgers and Dinosaurs and Rock Band and Being President

Man, that black bean burger I just ate was delicious! MmmmmmMMM!!!

Lately, I've been thinking - if I enforce policies to bring dinosaurs back to life, could I do something better with them than train them to fight each other to the death???

What about Dinoburgers?

I'm sure a certain amount of my constituency would have a problem with me reviving a species to kill each other and alternately feed my belly. But the lovely thing about democracy is that not everyone has to agree with me!

As much as I've wanted to get this dinosaur-revival thing off the ground, I've encountered more obstacles than expected. For example - which dinosaurs am I going to bring back? Obviously, the Tyrannosaurus Rex (or "T-Rex," as Sasha and Malia call it). I want to see those things tear each other apart! But what about pterodactyls? Those beasts could fly, and each and every day I find Air Force One more passé...

But I'm busy doing other stuff, like talking to Brian Williams and buying burgers with Joe Biden (for the record, dijon mustard does not, in fact, make me elitist, but "palette-sensitive"). Speaking of my chat with Brian Williams, I just wanted to say for the record that MSNBC cut all the footage out where I talked about reviving dinosaurs. They said it would be "bad PR."

Then I said they were bad PR. After they stared at me for a while, I offered them a trip to the Oval Office for some Rock Band action, but they declined. I apologized for the kerfuffle and went to talk to Joe Biden.

"I HATE MSNBC!" I yelled at Joe Biden. "THEY WON'T EVEN PLAY ROCK BAND WITH ME!"

"SQUAAAAAAWK, NUMBER TWO JOE BIDEN, SQUAAAAAWK."

So I called up my old friend Sonia Sotomayor. Of course, she was all about playing some Rock Band with me, "...but I get to play drums on easy!" she told me. Haha! She's so funny.

Funny enough to be on the Supreme Court, I thought! Why not? She's already tearing up the drums on medium difficulty, and I'm a big fan of positive reinforcement. Plus, she told me she's pro dinosaur-revival (on the down-low, of course).

Now she's in the news a lot!!!

Well, bye for now!!! (Oh, also, I decided to name my parrot Joe Biden. Bye!)

Why I Bought A Parrot And Shook Hands With Hugo Chavez.

"RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRR," I answered my Blackberry. It was my #2 Joe Biden telling me that he bought a new pet gorilla "to drink with and chase Rahm Emmanuel with." He named it Sting. Then I put my Blackberry in the garbage and started reading the newspapers from a couple weeks ago (I'd been busy catching up on dinosaur/boob research) when I spit my soy milk all over the New York Times! I don't remember shaking hands with Hugo Chavez?! I must've been sleepwalking after partying all night with Rahm and Hillary. I'm sure Castro shat himself when he saw this, because I sure almost shat myself.

But we looked so happy! I promptly grabbed my Blackberry from the garbage and gave Hugo a ringy ding to invite him up for some Oval Office Rock Band action, but he said that in a noncapitalist country, he had to spend time worrying about more than just rich people. At least that's what Geithner told me after he hung up the Blackberry that I handed him because I was so bored. Rock Band wasn't going to play itself!

My boredom began bothering me, so I decided to take a cue from my #2 and buy myself a pet. Malia and Sasha have a lot of fun with their pet Bo, and I wanted my own so bad. I threw my shoe at Geithner and told him to get on the phone and order me a parrot and some falafel. When he asked me another question before doing what I asked, I got in his face and RAAAWWWRRR'ed at him. Then I unpaused Rock Band and jammed both our faces off.

When the parrot arrived in the Oval Office, I paused Rock Band and asked it a few simple questions: What do you want your name to be? Do you have a favorite meat-substitute? Are you a descendant of dinosaurs?? But he didn't say anything, and I was really bored at this point. I told the parrot he's as boring as my #2 Joe Biden when he talks about foreign policy. Then the parrot whistled at me and said "Joe Biden! Joe Biden!" I shook my head and took a nap on the floor. When the falafel guy arrived, I asked him "What happened?" He looked at me funny. Then I threw my wallet at Geithner, told him to "sort it out," and proceeded to chow down on that falafel. It was the bomb!

Hi, My Name Is Barack Obama, And I'm President Of The United States Of America.

Hi, my name is Barack Obama, and I'm the President of the United States of America. My main objective while in office is to revive dinosaurs. It sounds like it'd be awesome to watch dinosaurs fight each other, but I'll never know until I personally enforce policies to make that happen. Also, I've decided to rework the fiscal budget to include research funding for genetically modifying said dinosaurs so that they all grow giant boobs. I think that would be really funny.

I called my friend Nancy Pelosi the other day about it, and she said the people of America might not be prepared for such forward thinking. I told her to forward this email I just forwarded her from my daughter Sasha of a video of an elephant painting a self-portrait. That shit was crazy!

After I got off the horn with Nancy, I called up my number two, Joe Biden, to see if he wanted to play Rock Band in the Oval Office. He said something about a 'foreign policy meeting,' but I fell asleep before he finished his sentence 'cause it was so boring! When I woke up, I went to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror until the phone imprint on my face COMPLETELY disappeared.

Then I went back to my desk and Googled "dinosaurs with giant boobs." Needless to say, I didn't find what I was looking for, so I called Michelle to see if she was too busy to drop what she was doing and play Rock Band with me in the Oval Office. She said she couldn't, but she informed me that Joe Biden had lied about his foreign policy meetings. He was actually racing Rahm Emmanuel through the Pentagon and the loser had to drunkenly make out with Hillary Clinton. It made me realize that others, even the people in my administration, have lives, too.

But I couldn't help asking myself: What does drunkenly making out with Hillary have to do with reviving dinosaurs? Perhaps I'll never know!