I Killed The Shit Outta That Fly!

Did you people see that shit?! I killed the SHIT outta that fly! My friends at YouTube want you to watch it again:



Hahaha!

I don't even remember what we were talking about in that interview (remember? I said "Where were we?" Haha!), but I can guarantee you we were not talking about dinosaurs. If we were talking about dinosaurs, there could be flies flying out of my ears and I wouldn't lose focus - or change my facial expression. I bet my friends at YouTube want that video!

I'd like to take this time to express my sincere gratitude to everyone who helped this YouTube moment become a reality. First and foremost, I must thank my parrot Joe Biden. Because of him, I was able to vent all my frustrations to maintain the concentration of a kung fu master. Secondly, I'd like to thank my Rock Band buddy Sonia Sotomayor for playing so much Rock Band with me. Playing all that plastic guitar made my hands as limber as lettuce! And last, but most certainly not least, I'd like to thank my wife Michelle for being so hot.

Oh, right. Thank you, God, too!

I'd tell you what else I've been up to, but I forgot already. Bye!!!

Burgers and Dinosaurs and Rock Band and Being President

Man, that black bean burger I just ate was delicious! MmmmmmMMM!!!

Lately, I've been thinking - if I enforce policies to bring dinosaurs back to life, could I do something better with them than train them to fight each other to the death???

What about Dinoburgers?

I'm sure a certain amount of my constituency would have a problem with me reviving a species to kill each other and alternately feed my belly. But the lovely thing about democracy is that not everyone has to agree with me!

As much as I've wanted to get this dinosaur-revival thing off the ground, I've encountered more obstacles than expected. For example - which dinosaurs am I going to bring back? Obviously, the Tyrannosaurus Rex (or "T-Rex," as Sasha and Malia call it). I want to see those things tear each other apart! But what about pterodactyls? Those beasts could fly, and each and every day I find Air Force One more passé...

But I'm busy doing other stuff, like talking to Brian Williams and buying burgers with Joe Biden (for the record, dijon mustard does not, in fact, make me elitist, but "palette-sensitive"). Speaking of my chat with Brian Williams, I just wanted to say for the record that MSNBC cut all the footage out where I talked about reviving dinosaurs. They said it would be "bad PR."

Then I said they were bad PR. After they stared at me for a while, I offered them a trip to the Oval Office for some Rock Band action, but they declined. I apologized for the kerfuffle and went to talk to Joe Biden.

"I HATE MSNBC!" I yelled at Joe Biden. "THEY WON'T EVEN PLAY ROCK BAND WITH ME!"

"SQUAAAAAAWK, NUMBER TWO JOE BIDEN, SQUAAAAAWK."

So I called up my old friend Sonia Sotomayor. Of course, she was all about playing some Rock Band with me, "...but I get to play drums on easy!" she told me. Haha! She's so funny.

Funny enough to be on the Supreme Court, I thought! Why not? She's already tearing up the drums on medium difficulty, and I'm a big fan of positive reinforcement. Plus, she told me she's pro dinosaur-revival (on the down-low, of course).

Now she's in the news a lot!!!

Well, bye for now!!! (Oh, also, I decided to name my parrot Joe Biden. Bye!)