Why I Bought A Parrot And Shook Hands With Hugo Chavez.

"RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRR," I answered my Blackberry. It was my #2 Joe Biden telling me that he bought a new pet gorilla "to drink with and chase Rahm Emmanuel with." He named it Sting. Then I put my Blackberry in the garbage and started reading the newspapers from a couple weeks ago (I'd been busy catching up on dinosaur/boob research) when I spit my soy milk all over the New York Times! I don't remember shaking hands with Hugo Chavez?! I must've been sleepwalking after partying all night with Rahm and Hillary. I'm sure Castro shat himself when he saw this, because I sure almost shat myself.

But we looked so happy! I promptly grabbed my Blackberry from the garbage and gave Hugo a ringy ding to invite him up for some Oval Office Rock Band action, but he said that in a noncapitalist country, he had to spend time worrying about more than just rich people. At least that's what Geithner told me after he hung up the Blackberry that I handed him because I was so bored. Rock Band wasn't going to play itself!

My boredom began bothering me, so I decided to take a cue from my #2 and buy myself a pet. Malia and Sasha have a lot of fun with their pet Bo, and I wanted my own so bad. I threw my shoe at Geithner and told him to get on the phone and order me a parrot and some falafel. When he asked me another question before doing what I asked, I got in his face and RAAAWWWRRR'ed at him. Then I unpaused Rock Band and jammed both our faces off.

When the parrot arrived in the Oval Office, I paused Rock Band and asked it a few simple questions: What do you want your name to be? Do you have a favorite meat-substitute? Are you a descendant of dinosaurs?? But he didn't say anything, and I was really bored at this point. I told the parrot he's as boring as my #2 Joe Biden when he talks about foreign policy. Then the parrot whistled at me and said "Joe Biden! Joe Biden!" I shook my head and took a nap on the floor. When the falafel guy arrived, I asked him "What happened?" He looked at me funny. Then I threw my wallet at Geithner, told him to "sort it out," and proceeded to chow down on that falafel. It was the bomb!

Hi, My Name Is Barack Obama, And I'm President Of The United States Of America.

Hi, my name is Barack Obama, and I'm the President of the United States of America. My main objective while in office is to revive dinosaurs. It sounds like it'd be awesome to watch dinosaurs fight each other, but I'll never know until I personally enforce policies to make that happen. Also, I've decided to rework the fiscal budget to include research funding for genetically modifying said dinosaurs so that they all grow giant boobs. I think that would be really funny.

I called my friend Nancy Pelosi the other day about it, and she said the people of America might not be prepared for such forward thinking. I told her to forward this email I just forwarded her from my daughter Sasha of a video of an elephant painting a self-portrait. That shit was crazy!

After I got off the horn with Nancy, I called up my number two, Joe Biden, to see if he wanted to play Rock Band in the Oval Office. He said something about a 'foreign policy meeting,' but I fell asleep before he finished his sentence 'cause it was so boring! When I woke up, I went to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror until the phone imprint on my face COMPLETELY disappeared.

Then I went back to my desk and Googled "dinosaurs with giant boobs." Needless to say, I didn't find what I was looking for, so I called Michelle to see if she was too busy to drop what she was doing and play Rock Band with me in the Oval Office. She said she couldn't, but she informed me that Joe Biden had lied about his foreign policy meetings. He was actually racing Rahm Emmanuel through the Pentagon and the loser had to drunkenly make out with Hillary Clinton. It made me realize that others, even the people in my administration, have lives, too.

But I couldn't help asking myself: What does drunkenly making out with Hillary have to do with reviving dinosaurs? Perhaps I'll never know!