I Just Had A GREAT Idea How To Fix The Oil Spill In The Gulf!

Hi friends, constituents, and revived dinosaurs alike! Sorry for my prolonged absence. Passing a health care bill while pushing for and funding extensive dinosaur research proved more than one man could handle.

That's why the health care bill sucked! Haha, oh well. ;)

Anyway, people keep sending me letters and calling my White House about this crisis in the Gulf of Mexico with an oil spill and "BP" and blah blah blah I don't really care that much, lol, even though "BP" sounded familiar to me for some reason... All this bummed me out, so I started jamming on Beatles Rock Band when my turd of a parrot Joe Biden kept interrupting me.



"SQUAAAAAAWK! BUTTPLUG! SQUAAAAAAWK!"

"Shut UP, Joe Biden!" I vociferated cacophonously. "You killed my 440 note streak, you turd!"

"SQUAAAAAAWK! BUTTPLUGS AND TURDS! SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAWK!"

"Dammit, Joe Biden! I'll buttplug YOU with YOUR turds!"

"SQUAAAAAAAWK! THAT'S DISGUSTING! SQUAAAAAAAAAAWK!"

"Damn right it is. You just got Barack-ed!" I actually said that. LOL!

Because Joe Biden kept shouting "buttplug" at me after he got Barack-ed, I decided to run in place for several hours, clearing my larger-than-a-dinosaur's brain. Then it hit me like a sack of thousand-paged health care bills without a public option! One of those oil spill letters said something about stuffing old tires and golf balls into the oil spill hole, and I was like "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard." But to my parrot Joe Biden I said...

"Joe Biden! We should throw all our turds into the Gulf of Mexico!"

"SQUAAAAAAWK! GIANT BUTTPLUG YOU IDIOT! GIANT BUTTPLUG!"

"Joe Biden, you're a genius! I bestow upon you this Nobel Peace Prize someone gave me a while ago for some reason." I read on some blog that giving it to me was some kind of mistake, so I believed it.

The letters "BP" kept floating around my head. For many reasons, I urgently misappropriated dinosaur revival research funding to develop a giant buttplug for the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico:

First, I know no one else has had a better idea thus far. Second, if it doesn't work, it'd look great on the front lawn of my White House. But third, and most importantly, I have a secret to confess involving BP... *gulp*

Any idiot could have told you that off-shore oil drilling without any environmental review was a bad idea. I'll even bet you three revived dinosaurs that Dick Cheney thought it was a bad idea! No - the secret is that I gave some dinosaur fossil enthusiasts called "BP" lots of government money to look for dinosaur fossils offshore. Maybe they thought I was joking? After some brief consultation with my Interior Secretary Ken Salazar over cups of soy hot chocolate with vegan whipped cream on top, he concluded the "offshore dinosaur fossil research" (I still don't know why Ken used finger quotes when he said that, the silly goose!) might only kill fish that I thought were ugly anyway. Shows who you can trust these days... Gee whiz! :(

I'm so sorry fish who aren't ugly and birds and whatever you call all these weird looking animals in water that aren't fish or birds. My dino-capitalism flared up and sneezed oil all over you.

Now I know how George W. Bush felt when that hurricane slapped New Orleans... :( Being president is hard sometimes. I hope this giant buttplug works. And I don't know what "BP" stands for, but it should stand for Butt PlugstupidheadswhothoughtBarackwasjoking. I'm gonna go play more Beatles Rock Band and pretend I live in a Yellow Submarine now. Bye... :(