I Just Had A GREAT Idea How To Fix The Oil Spill In The Gulf!

Hi friends, constituents, and revived dinosaurs alike! Sorry for my prolonged absence. Passing a health care bill while pushing for and funding extensive dinosaur research proved more than one man could handle.

That's why the health care bill sucked! Haha, oh well. ;)

Anyway, people keep sending me letters and calling my White House about this crisis in the Gulf of Mexico with an oil spill and "BP" and blah blah blah I don't really care that much, lol, even though "BP" sounded familiar to me for some reason... All this bummed me out, so I started jamming on Beatles Rock Band when my turd of a parrot Joe Biden kept interrupting me.



"SQUAAAAAAWK! BUTTPLUG! SQUAAAAAAWK!"

"Shut UP, Joe Biden!" I vociferated cacophonously. "You killed my 440 note streak, you turd!"

"SQUAAAAAAWK! BUTTPLUGS AND TURDS! SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAWK!"

"Dammit, Joe Biden! I'll buttplug YOU with YOUR turds!"

"SQUAAAAAAAWK! THAT'S DISGUSTING! SQUAAAAAAAAAAWK!"

"Damn right it is. You just got Barack-ed!" I actually said that. LOL!

Because Joe Biden kept shouting "buttplug" at me after he got Barack-ed, I decided to run in place for several hours, clearing my larger-than-a-dinosaur's brain. Then it hit me like a sack of thousand-paged health care bills without a public option! One of those oil spill letters said something about stuffing old tires and golf balls into the oil spill hole, and I was like "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard." But to my parrot Joe Biden I said...

"Joe Biden! We should throw all our turds into the Gulf of Mexico!"

"SQUAAAAAAWK! GIANT BUTTPLUG YOU IDIOT! GIANT BUTTPLUG!"

"Joe Biden, you're a genius! I bestow upon you this Nobel Peace Prize someone gave me a while ago for some reason." I read on some blog that giving it to me was some kind of mistake, so I believed it.

The letters "BP" kept floating around my head. For many reasons, I urgently misappropriated dinosaur revival research funding to develop a giant buttplug for the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico:

First, I know no one else has had a better idea thus far. Second, if it doesn't work, it'd look great on the front lawn of my White House. But third, and most importantly, I have a secret to confess involving BP... *gulp*

Any idiot could have told you that off-shore oil drilling without any environmental review was a bad idea. I'll even bet you three revived dinosaurs that Dick Cheney thought it was a bad idea! No - the secret is that I gave some dinosaur fossil enthusiasts called "BP" lots of government money to look for dinosaur fossils offshore. Maybe they thought I was joking? After some brief consultation with my Interior Secretary Ken Salazar over cups of soy hot chocolate with vegan whipped cream on top, he concluded the "offshore dinosaur fossil research" (I still don't know why Ken used finger quotes when he said that, the silly goose!) might only kill fish that I thought were ugly anyway. Shows who you can trust these days... Gee whiz! :(

I'm so sorry fish who aren't ugly and birds and whatever you call all these weird looking animals in water that aren't fish or birds. My dino-capitalism flared up and sneezed oil all over you.

Now I know how George W. Bush felt when that hurricane slapped New Orleans... :( Being president is hard sometimes. I hope this giant buttplug works. And I don't know what "BP" stands for, but it should stand for Butt PlugstupidheadswhothoughtBarackwasjoking. I'm gonna go play more Beatles Rock Band and pretend I live in a Yellow Submarine now. Bye... :(

Why I, Barack Obama, Love The Huffington Post And Burger King.

I love a lot of things. I love my hot wife, Michelle, my two daughters Sasha and Malia, my pets Beau and Joe Biden, the Huffington Post and Burger King!

The Huffington Post did an excellent write-up about Regina Benjamin, my new pick for Surgeon General. They spent all sorts of time talking about how Regina won't let anyone fall through the cracks and made her sound like the greatest servant to the people of all time EVER!

That's not why I, Barack Obama, chose her for the position, though. As a matter of fact, without the Huffington Post, I never would've known any of that stuff! Haha! Actually, I got bored reading the article and still don't know what she did, lol! There were too many pictures to look at. Specifically, I couldn't stop looking at the first picture under "Popular Stories on HuffPost" that sent me to this maybe-NSFW post. Hoooooeeeeeeee! Haha! Who did YOU give a 10 to???

I didn't give a 10 to any of those bikini-clad ladies. My wife is hotter than all of them (AND I got Michelle pregnant! LOL!)!

What was I talking about? Oh, right. My new surgeon general, Regina Benjamin. She used to work as a paid adviser for Burger King, which wasn't reported by the Huffington Post. Thank goodness the mainstream media tycoons over at CNN picked up on this and set the record straighter than the laws in MA, IA and some other states I can't remember, haha!


It's Friday. Time to conduct more dino research and try and get some free BK from Regina before I play Rock Band... BYE!!!

Where The Hell Was I Born? Dinosaur Land??? LOLZ!!!

I can be pretty forgetful at times. Often, downright crazy! After all, I am but a man.

Sometimes I even forget where I was born! lol! Like these jackasses that NPR is talking about. Why don't they believe that I was born in Hawaii? Better yet, are these the same people that think I'm a MUSLIM?! LOL!

Maybe they're pissed off that I was born in Hawaii! Maybe - and i mean just MAYBE - they think Hawaii is the land of terrorism! Where Jihad was born!

(Speaking of which - where was Mr. Jihad born anyway? I may never know. Oh well.)

Anyway, I might not know much about Muslims, but I know that I was born in Hawaii. NOT DINOSAUR LAND. Sometimes I wish I was born in Dinosaur Land, so I wouldn't have to potentially ruin people's lives to watch them fight each other, but oh well! lol! If people didn't want dinosaurs roaming the earth, they shouldn't have voted for me.

I'm going to brush my teeth and get ready to be President of the United States of America until 5pm. BYE!!!

Hi, I'm Barack Obama: America's First Racist Black President

Glenn Beck is so funny. I love the guy! He always makes me laugh, haha! So, I was slightly confused when I saw the following:



I don't understand! :( Why would he say those things about me?! He's always so funny on Fox News. All he does is make jokes!

But not today. Today, Glenn Beck called me a racist.

Now, I can hide a lot of things about myself. For example: not many people know that I smoke cigarettes (did I quit yet? I can't remember!) and that I didn't really close Guantanamo Bay. The New York Times said that - I never said that! lol!

And STILL - NO ONE KNOWS that I'm trying to revive dinosaurs to fight each other! And I even write a BLOG about it! Haha! Oh dear. Sometimes I'm so funny that it makes me want to beat up Rahm Emmanuel.

But not today, oh no! Today I have to drink beer with a cop and a black scholar. Actually, maybe that's next week. I have no idea! Haha! Someone else gets paid to worry about that, so I'm just going to go play Rock Band and take a quick nap before I save the world. BYE!!!

Oh, also - I believe what Glenn MEANT to say was that I'm a 'reverse racist.' Maybe that would've actually been funny. Oh well. BYE!!!

Bad Paintings Of Me, Barack Obama: America's First Black President

After waking up next to a puddle of Hillary Clinton's vomit this morning, I decided to go find Beau, the presidential puppy. He ran up to me, licked my hand that was holding a lit cigarette, and burned his tongue on it. I laughed at him and called him an idiot. I shorted my cigarette, petted him for a while, and retreated to the Oval Office to play some Rock Band.

When I got there, I found Sonia Sotomayor face down on the Rock Band drum kit fast asleep. I guess she was up all night trying to beat some Dave Grohl jams on expert! I laughed at her. Then, I grabbed Joe Biden's cage and put him in the garbage because I thought he was looking at me funny. I sure taught him a lesson!

"SQUAAAAAAAAAWK! NUMBER TWO JOE BIDEN! SQUAAAAAAAAAAWK!"

That's what I listened to while I fell asleep at my desk for an early morning nap. Oh, and a snippet of Nirvana's "Breed" from the un-played Rock Band that was never turned off. Occasionally, Sonia shifted in her chair, and eventually fell out of it. I woke up to laugh, yawned, and then I slept for a few more hours. It was awesome!

After wiping the sleep away from my eyes, I decided to find out some things about myself on the Internet. Nothing about dinosaurs... yet! I remembered seeing a horrible painting of me one time when I was running for president, so I decided to Google: Bad Paintings Of Barack Obama. Sure enough, there were lots of really bad paintings of me! Check a few of them out here.

I want to thank Jon Edwards for sending me that link. He's such a silly goose! BYE!!!

Oh wait... I guess that means I didn't Google it. I guess that makes me a liar. Oh well. BYE!!!

I Killed The Shit Outta That Fly!

Did you people see that shit?! I killed the SHIT outta that fly! My friends at YouTube want you to watch it again:



Hahaha!

I don't even remember what we were talking about in that interview (remember? I said "Where were we?" Haha!), but I can guarantee you we were not talking about dinosaurs. If we were talking about dinosaurs, there could be flies flying out of my ears and I wouldn't lose focus - or change my facial expression. I bet my friends at YouTube want that video!

I'd like to take this time to express my sincere gratitude to everyone who helped this YouTube moment become a reality. First and foremost, I must thank my parrot Joe Biden. Because of him, I was able to vent all my frustrations to maintain the concentration of a kung fu master. Secondly, I'd like to thank my Rock Band buddy Sonia Sotomayor for playing so much Rock Band with me. Playing all that plastic guitar made my hands as limber as lettuce! And last, but most certainly not least, I'd like to thank my wife Michelle for being so hot.

Oh, right. Thank you, God, too!

I'd tell you what else I've been up to, but I forgot already. Bye!!!

Burgers and Dinosaurs and Rock Band and Being President

Man, that black bean burger I just ate was delicious! MmmmmmMMM!!!

Lately, I've been thinking - if I enforce policies to bring dinosaurs back to life, could I do something better with them than train them to fight each other to the death???

What about Dinoburgers?

I'm sure a certain amount of my constituency would have a problem with me reviving a species to kill each other and alternately feed my belly. But the lovely thing about democracy is that not everyone has to agree with me!

As much as I've wanted to get this dinosaur-revival thing off the ground, I've encountered more obstacles than expected. For example - which dinosaurs am I going to bring back? Obviously, the Tyrannosaurus Rex (or "T-Rex," as Sasha and Malia call it). I want to see those things tear each other apart! But what about pterodactyls? Those beasts could fly, and each and every day I find Air Force One more passé...

But I'm busy doing other stuff, like talking to Brian Williams and buying burgers with Joe Biden (for the record, dijon mustard does not, in fact, make me elitist, but "palette-sensitive"). Speaking of my chat with Brian Williams, I just wanted to say for the record that MSNBC cut all the footage out where I talked about reviving dinosaurs. They said it would be "bad PR."

Then I said they were bad PR. After they stared at me for a while, I offered them a trip to the Oval Office for some Rock Band action, but they declined. I apologized for the kerfuffle and went to talk to Joe Biden.

"I HATE MSNBC!" I yelled at Joe Biden. "THEY WON'T EVEN PLAY ROCK BAND WITH ME!"

"SQUAAAAAAWK, NUMBER TWO JOE BIDEN, SQUAAAAAWK."

So I called up my old friend Sonia Sotomayor. Of course, she was all about playing some Rock Band with me, "...but I get to play drums on easy!" she told me. Haha! She's so funny.

Funny enough to be on the Supreme Court, I thought! Why not? She's already tearing up the drums on medium difficulty, and I'm a big fan of positive reinforcement. Plus, she told me she's pro dinosaur-revival (on the down-low, of course).

Now she's in the news a lot!!!

Well, bye for now!!! (Oh, also, I decided to name my parrot Joe Biden. Bye!)