Why I Bought A Parrot And Shook Hands With Hugo Chavez.

"RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRR," I answered my Blackberry. It was my #2 Joe Biden telling me that he bought a new pet gorilla "to drink with and chase Rahm Emmanuel with." He named it Sting. Then I put my Blackberry in the garbage and started reading the newspapers from a couple weeks ago (I'd been busy catching up on dinosaur/boob research) when I spit my soy milk all over the New York Times! I don't remember shaking hands with Hugo Chavez?! I must've been sleepwalking after partying all night with Rahm and Hillary. I'm sure Castro shat himself when he saw this, because I sure almost shat myself.

But we looked so happy! I promptly grabbed my Blackberry from the garbage and gave Hugo a ringy ding to invite him up for some Oval Office Rock Band action, but he said that in a noncapitalist country, he had to spend time worrying about more than just rich people. At least that's what Geithner told me after he hung up the Blackberry that I handed him because I was so bored. Rock Band wasn't going to play itself!

My boredom began bothering me, so I decided to take a cue from my #2 and buy myself a pet. Malia and Sasha have a lot of fun with their pet Bo, and I wanted my own so bad. I threw my shoe at Geithner and told him to get on the phone and order me a parrot and some falafel. When he asked me another question before doing what I asked, I got in his face and RAAAWWWRRR'ed at him. Then I unpaused Rock Band and jammed both our faces off.

When the parrot arrived in the Oval Office, I paused Rock Band and asked it a few simple questions: What do you want your name to be? Do you have a favorite meat-substitute? Are you a descendant of dinosaurs?? But he didn't say anything, and I was really bored at this point. I told the parrot he's as boring as my #2 Joe Biden when he talks about foreign policy. Then the parrot whistled at me and said "Joe Biden! Joe Biden!" I shook my head and took a nap on the floor. When the falafel guy arrived, I asked him "What happened?" He looked at me funny. Then I threw my wallet at Geithner, told him to "sort it out," and proceeded to chow down on that falafel. It was the bomb!